Quotes I Don’t Want to Hear

An important part of journalism is getting good quotations. They bring sizzle and verisimilitude to even otherwise humdrum articles. But what’s good for journalism isn’t necessarily good for life. What follow are quotes that I never want to hear—and you probably don’t, either.

“We need to have a discussion.” Almost always bad news, particularly if said by your spouse.

“You have a gray hair. Want me to pull it?” No, I want you to pretend it’s not there.

“I have a new challenge for you.” Often said by the boss. For more verisimilitude, substitute “problem” for “challenge.”

“Let’s go see Brokeback Mountain.” Probably not what you want to hear from your best buddy.

“We have a situation with your van.” Said once by a tow-truck operator to my wife. Not good.

“Money isn’t everything.” Usually said by someone with more money than you have.

“I have a headache.” No comment.

“Have you forgotten what day it is?” Let me guess—my last day here on earth?

“Let’s just be friends.” Guess I can add her to my Christmas card list.

“I never knew you.” This is one time when you don’t want to ask, “WWJD?”

“It’s only a game.” Then why do they keep score?

“It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.” Often said by the dad who was screaming at the umpire for seven innings.

“There’s no money in the budget for that.” Then let’s go off-budget.

“That’s fine if Jesus works for you, but I believe there are many ways to get to heaven.” I suppose you could try driving on the left hand side of the road, too, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

“Let’s have a meeting.” And then afterwards we can get back to work.

“We did everything we could.” Then try something you couldn’t, Doctor.

“We need to run some more tests.” Or perhaps you could just measure me for my coffin right now?

“I'm not a short-order cook.” No, Mom, you weren’t, but I appreciate all those great meals, anyway.

“Wait ‘til next year.” Said annually by Cubs fans. Frequently followed by, “Anyone can have a bad century.”

“Life isn’t fair.” Often said by the beneficiaries of life’s unfairness.

“I’m Mike Wallace, and I have a few questions for you.” Get your verisimilitude someplace else, Mike.

Things That Drive Me Crazy

While this world is full of truth, beauty, and goodness, it is also full of annoyances, irritations, and pet peeves. What follows is a list of things that drive me crazy. Send me yours, and I'll share some of them in a future column. Thanks.

· Liberals who say they fear that politically engaged Christians are seeking to establish a theocracy in America—unless said Christians happen to support causes that they themselves champion.

· People who denigrate “big agriculture” out of a desire to be more socially conscious—forgetting that only agribusinesses have the capacity to feed the world’s hungry.

· Multimillion-dollar pro athletes who hold out for ever larger contracts, not because they have the right to be paid as much as the market will bear, but because they have to “feed their families.”

· Carefully separating your plastic and paper for recycling, only to see the truck driver dump it in the same bin as the garbage going to the landfill.

· Seeing quote marks added around words, just for “emphasis.” Try italics.

· Seeing ’n’ (for and) misspelled as ‘n or n.’

· People who pompously say “persons,” not “people.”

· People who say “chairperson” or “spokesperson.” Don’t they know whether the person is a man or a woman?

· People who say “spouse” when they could say “husband” or “wife.”

· Commercials ad nauseam during televised sports or on talk radio.

· Teachers who schedule mathematics work late in the afternoon, when kids are tired and ready to go home.

· Too much homework. Let kids be kids.

· High gas prices, coupled with no realistic government plan to wean us from imported oil.

· Well-compensated teachers who constantly complain they are underpaid, while working only nine months a year and having lifetime job security.

· Tailgaters.

· Yogurt cups without plastic lids.

· People who are constantly on their cell phones. What’s wrong with being present where you are?

· People who say, “I have good news and bad news.” The latter almost always wipes out the former.

· Clutter.

· The homogenization of the American landscape, with Starbucks, McDonald’s, and Wal-Mart available wherever you go.

· The almost complete loss of mainstream media, television, and film to a suffocating, politically correct agenda.

· The phrase “Time is money.” Actually, time is much more valuable than money.

· Local television news programs that provide uncritical, free advertising to the purveyors of the latest dubious health nostrums.

· Reporters who stick their microphones in the faces of grieving moms and dads.

· People who get their view of the world from Headline News or The New York Times.

· Universities that work overtime to separate young people from their values—while gouging parents for the privilege.

· Christian schools with out-of-this-world tuition rates that only the rich can afford.

· Using trendy new words, such as “gifting,” when the old words, such as “giving,” work perfectly well.

· People who value partisanship and power over the national interest.

· People who plan their vacations, their kitchens, and their retirements to the nth degree but who give hardly a passing thought to where they will spend eternity.

· Fast-food workers who ask, “Do you want fries with that?” If I did, I would’ve said so.

· Jerky grocery store conveyor belts that knock your food over on the way to the cash register.

· Computer camps. Fishing is camp. Roasting marshmallows and playing games is camp. Sitting in front of a screen trying to figure out a spreadsheet is work, no matter how you spin it.

In Praise of Spam

People are always complaining about unsolicited electronic messages—sometimes called spam by the unenlightened. A bill called the U.S. Safe Web Act of 2005 is wending its way through Congress, seeking to restrict ads, spyware, and fraudulent pitches from reaching people’s e-mail.

This is positively un-American. Those opposed to spam don’t know what they are missing. It’s like dead-bolting the door when opportunity knocks. Spam is our friend. It can make you healthy, wealthy, and sexually attractive. All I am saying is, Give spam a chance.

Let me share a small selection of spam offers culled from among the thousands that intrepidly defeated my company’s evil spam filters to reach my inbox:

Free Stuff: You can get lots of free (or nearly free) stuff from spam. Usually filling out a survey or testing a product is all it takes. People from “Promotions Gateway” promised me, “Test out this Flat Screen TV and keep it—with participation.” One spammer asked a question I know we all are thinking: “Tired of paying for airline tickets?” An organization calling itself “Therightplacefortherightstuff” said, “This is not a joke: FREE Gateway ® Laptop to Test & Keep.” (I'm glad it’s no joke, because I need one!) Someone called “Luxury Watche Overstock” alerted me, “We are giving away Rolexes—get yours now!” Another spammer said, “Win a dream wedding worth $50,000.” (Since I'm already married, I wonder if they’ll just let me keep the money.) The “Gift Claim Center” (not sure where the headquarters is) informed me, “You’ve been chosen for a Free $250 Gift Card.” I won’t even begin to list all the great items available from “Stuffpickermania News.”

Health and Fitness: I expect that life expectancies and general buffness will go up remarkably because of the many benefits of spam. “Slim Seduction” told me, “New Diet Pill Zaps Fat & Cellulite Cells Forever.” (I don’t know why my doctor never mentioned it—probably some sort of conspiracy.) “Cheat and Eat,” in a similar vein, informed me about a “Break Through weight loss product just released to the public.” Meanwhile, “Actiprill” suggests, “Increase your energy naturally.” (I wonder if they mean get more sleep?) “Lip Tech” asked, “Want sexy lips in 90 seconds?” (And who doesn’t?) “Lean Body Cleanse” helpfully said, “Try Colon Cleansing at Home!” (I didn’t know you could try it anywhere.) Then, “Jerome Herman” informed me, “Former President Bill Klinton uses Voagra!” (I guess if it’s good enough for Mr. Klinton . . . .) And “Attention Men,” perhaps following the trend of telling people they have to “perform” sexually, advised me, “Be a Champion in the Bedroom.” (I wonder if sex will ever be an Olympic sport?)

Interesting People: You also get to meet some of the world’s most fascinating folks via spam. Yes, I’ve actually received personal messages from Donald Trump, Oprah (no last name required here), and Steve Forbes, but there’s more. I’ve also heard from people named “Dazzled O. Prepay,” “Ms. Clarke” (an old elementary school teacher I had, perhaps?), “Betty Crock,” “Kaiser Hussey” (not sure if this is a man or a woman), and “Epiphany Tart” (definitely a woman). One spammer even said, “Meet me and my friends this weekend.” (And who couldn’t use more friends?)

Money and Careers: Spam is great way to make some extra cash. “Ted Hansson” is making me an offer I don’t know how to refuse: “Split the Profits 50/50 using my money.” (I don’t know why Ted is trying to cut me in on the action for free; maybe he owes me some money.) Meanwhile, “John Commuta” tantalizes me with the promise, “Transform Your Debt into Wealth.” (I guess to get really wealthy using his system, I should first go out and buy another house and a couple of cars.) “Driving4Dollars” gave me the following good news: “Get Paid to Drive Your Car!” Another spammer told me, “Hiring Today—many local opportunities.” (I know lots of people who have built successful careers using spam, don’t you?)

You can also get ringtones, loans, online education, horoscopes, free gym memberships, drugs of all kinds from the “Online Pharmacy Guide,” music downloads for your cell phone, and complimentary gift cards to places like Subway, Wal-Mart, and Ikea—all from humble spam.

You can even “Turn Your PC into a TV”! Of course, what I’d really like is for someone to turn my TV into a PC. Oh—never mind! I'm going to get that free laptop, remember?

The Work of God Displayed

One day after work last summer, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things. While checking out, I noticed a boy looking at me. When I got out to the parking lot, there was the boy again, still staring, while I loaded the groceries into my car.

I was a little concerned, because I didn’t see a mom or dad with him, so as I pulled out of my parking space, I decided to make sure everything was all right. I rolled down my window and asked him in a friendly way if he was with anyone. He said yes and then blurted out, “I just feel so bad for you!”

Instantly, I realized that the boy had been staring at my unsteady gait all that time. While I was worried about him, he was worried about me. I assured him that he didn’t need to feel that way because God is taking good care of me.

I didn’t always feel that way. My birth on August 1, 1961, two months early, did not go well. Only three pounds and 11 ounces, I beat the odds and survived. But for the rest of my life I would carry the burden of cerebral palsy; the part of my brain that controls walking and other movements had been permanently damaged. After an operation at age 6 I was able to walk without crutches, but my hopes had been much higher.

Through the years I often asked “Why?” and thought about how much better my life would have been without this disability. In my mind I would participate in all the sports my younger brother Mike excelled in: baseball, football, basketball, and swimming.

While my parents always did their best to include me in family activities and to emphasize all the things I could do, it was hard not to feel jealous and resentful. Most of the time I felt like an inferior, an outsider, afraid to relate to others out of fear of rejection. And sometimes I was rejected.

Growing up I can only remember going to church a handful of times, usually for an Easter sunrise service. Yet I remember looking up one night at the countless stars splashed across the silent, black sky. In the darkness my mother said it was hard to believe that all this could have just happened–but I wasn’t so sure. My own experience led me to suspect that the universe was cold, indifferent, and meaningless. If God existed, I thought He was either too busy to care or too weak to help.

However, I needed something to believe in, so I turned to science fiction, UFOs, “pyramid power,” and ESP to escape the dreary realities of this world. Along those same lines, in high school, I began reading books by Christians who said the world was going to end very soon.

As I read, however, the Bible’s central message started to make sense. God wasn’t just a maybe; He was a Person who took a personal interest in me. The Bible was in fact the record of a loving God reaching out to people who had turned their backs on Him–including people like me.

Slowly, I realized that my search for meaning and relationship had come up empty because I had been looking in the wrong places. Contrary to all I had heard about religion, making things right with God was not a matter of me reforming myself and measuring up to His demands.

Rather, God had already done it all by coming to earth as a man, Jesus Christ, to live the perfect life I had failed to live and to die on the cross in my place–in short, to pay for my sins. Moreover, he understood my frustrating disability, because he had experienced this part of life, too.

On his way to the Cross, Jesus had stumbled and fallen–how humiliating! I could relate. Pinned to the Cross, his weakness was exposed for all to see. And yet I discovered that because Christ was raised from the dead, someday I would be raised, too, with a powerful new resurrection body, in which I would live forever. That was an offer I couldn’t refuse!

I wish I could say that since then all of my insecurities have evaporated, my disability doesn’t matter, and I no longer have doubts about God’s plan for my life. But that wouldn’t be honest. My disability has shaped not just my body, but my soul, as well. Even though my life now has meaning and purpose, I still struggle with feelings of inferiority and anger. Even with God’s help, it will probably take the rest of my life to unlearn some of these thought patterns–but, slowly, I’m getting there!

One day, Jesus’ disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” The Lord said the man’s disability presented a divine opportunity, “that the works of God might be displayed in him.” Indeed, not a day goes by that I am unaware of His presence, and people sometimes tell me they see God at work in me.

Truly, God has given me a peace I never had and, to top it off, He has provided the relationships I craved for so long: a beautiful wife, Christine, and three wonderful children.

No, I don’t know what the future holds, and there will undoubtedly be more frustrations and heartaches. Yet I know even the details of my life have eternal significance, because Christ’s power is most clearly seen not in my strength, but in my weakness.